So Chrissymus is coming - perhaps.

Hope you’re locking forward to it (sorry, terrible pun, things only go downhill from here folks).

Apologies again, I’ve been away for all of this awful year so far - it has been, as Her Madge may have it, my own personal ‘annus horriblius.’

But I’m back now - who groaned? There’s no need!

It hasn’t all been bad of course, if it had been I’d probably be floating face down in the murky waters of the Staffs and Worcs by now.

Back in February I won the ‘Best Comedy’ award for my short stage play at The Worcestershire Theatre Festival.

In September I got a T.V. writing credit for a one liner (strangely the worst one I’ve ever written) for The Treason Show and I’m now on the regular script writing team for that. So shout ‘Hurrah’ and hang out the bunting.

But enough of that. If you’ll indulge me I’d like to have a rant.

Oh no, not again, I hear you cry. But I’m sure many of you canal users will agree on the current plague which is uniting boaters, fishermen and us dog walkers alike.

Let me explain it like this.

I was walking the dogs, Blue and Milly, down the towpath toward bridge number 38. It was coming to that weird sort of half-light between afternoon and dusk and we were happily trotting along - well the dogs were, I was shuffling about as usual - when a ghostly spectre appeared out of the mist (it wasn’t actually misty, but I’m trying to create an atmosphere, o.k?) A vision of Darth Vader appeared from under the arch and began to charge toward us at an alarming rate of knots. He was easily seven feet tall, dressed entirely in black, topped with a helmet with tinted visor. And - get this - he glided. Yes, that’s right, he glided - moving neither arms nor legs.

Blue, my border collie who normally chases anything that moves faster than an arthritic snail, stood and watched open muzzled as he sped - yes, sped - past, at easily 20mph (I’m not sure what that works out to in kilograms per year, or whatever it is these days).

Even Milly, concentrating intently on sniffing and peeing on every single blade of grass stopped to stare.

I meanwhile was urgently trying to prevent an unplanned bowel movement as stories of Spring Heeled Jack - a local legend, many people claim to have seen the Devil around these parts, mostly around chucking out time from the pub - echoed around what I apologetically call my brain. Indeed, if I’d have spotted a scythe strapped to the onrushing apparition I would have sworn that my time was up.

As he drew level briefly, by now he was moving at just below subsonic speed, I saw that it was only some chap, in full motorcycle regalia, stood on - honestly, I kid you not - stood on a single motorised wheel about 2 feet (I’m not sure what that works out to in tonnes per hectare, or whatever it is these days) in diameter. Two footrests extended out from either side of the axle on which he balanced like a trick cyclist at the circus. I assume that he controlled the speed by leaning forward or back as they do on one of those Segway thingy’s you can hire out on your holibobs in Benidorm, but it was hard to tell as we were buffeted around in his wake amid a swirl of fallen autumn leaves, towpath dust and small dead mammals, slaughtered on his passage through the countryside.

I never knew such things existed. Which brings me to my point. There are a proliferation of similar modes of transport hurtling along our usually peaceful walkways at such a rate that there is barely time to fling yourself into the relative prickly safety of a Hawthorn bush to avoid being flattened like some unfortunate piece of roadkill. And they all want the same thing - the whole towpath. Not part of it. All. Space invaders indeed.

I’ve seen electric mountain bikes (did you know that you can get them ‘chipped’ so that they can go faster than the speed they were designed for, just in case you wanted to attempt to break the land speed record?) I’ve seen electric scooters, motorised mini-bikes and even the odd quad bike hurtling along with scant regard for life or limb of the casual passer-by, not to mention the fragile carbon fibre fishing regalia scattered along the towpath like hurdles. Live aboard boaters hardly dare step from the stern for fear of being mown down in a frenzy of Lycra clad mechanisation and are forever washing the dust from their windows.

And then there are the normal bikers, the ones that actually pedal under their own power, choosing to get their exercise the old fashioned way, rather than relying on a 150 horsepower battery (I’m not sure what that works out to in metres per parsec or whatever it is these days) to get their 5 a day workout, sitting (or standing) there, doing bugger all and wondering how come they’re not getting any fitter. The normal biker is the real exercise freak. Don’t get me wrong 92.875% (I did a survey) are alright. They’ll slow down and stop if necessary, particularly if confronted by Blue, who does rather follow his instincts and try to herd them up like wayward sheep. The rest though don’t bother as they try to beat their personal best in what I’m sure they consider to be a time trial challenge. Indeed they can get quite fractious as Blue, frustrated that they won’t behave and be penned like normal sheep, now attempts to control them by removing whatever appendage he can hang on to. Many an interesting discussion has ensued.

Take for instance the rather posh lady I encountered the other day. I saw her coming and politely (I thought) asked her to stop so that I could grab hold of my canine enforcer. Did she stop? What do you think? I dived for his collar but sadly missed and watched him bouncing alongside as she rode on, him encouraging her to do what was right. Eventually she complied and as I gathered up my furry assistant she uttered the following observation, ‘Could you please kindly tell your dog that that really wasn’t rather pleasant.’

I was perhaps less than tactful with my reply, ‘Well if you’d @#**# stopped like I @#**ing well asked, perhaps he wouldn’t have @**#ing well done that would he? You **#@* *&£# old bat.’

I’ve seen her several times since. She stops as soon as she spots us, waits for me and Blue to gain a modicum of self-restraint and mutters an embarrassed, ‘thank you,’ as she carries on her merry way.

And who do I blame for this proliferation of mechanised mayhem. Well Boris of course has previous with his Boris bikes when he was Mayor of the Smoke and for encouraging us to get fit in his ‘golden age of cycling’ during lockdown v1.0. A friend of mine has a cycle shop and couldn’t keep up with demand, so it’s not all doom and gloom for the high street.

But the real culprit I’m afraid is Andy Street, Mayor of the West Midlands. He’s a champion of old style technology like trams, trains and of course bikes. I’m sure he’d like us all to become latter day Edwardians and am expecting him to launch an initiative soon to eschew our en-suite bathrooms in favour of building outdoor privy’s and wiping our bums on torn up squares from The Sun.

He recently announced, at a photo opportunity of which he is so fond, that the region would be unveiling a ‘new’ system of cycle paths. Much of it appeared to be along existing towpaths, therefore encouraging every would be Tour de France competitor and giving them free rein to hurtle along our pathways to their hearts content and at minimum cost to the West Midlands Authority, now relieved of their responsibility to build dedicated routes for the use of our two (and one) wheeled friends.

Personally Andy old chum, I think you’re on a loser there. The days are getting wetter, colder and the nights are drawing in. I’m expecting a glut of barely used bicycles, both manual and powered,  to start appearing on EBay (other social media auction sites are available) any time soon as the novelty wears off and whatever vaccine kicks in to relieve us of the effort of exercising, giving us the chance to return to the relative safety of our cars. The government of course has announced that in ten years time we will all be driving eco-friendly models. I’m sure that Andy, progressive moderniser that he is, would prefer that we were all in Model T Fords.

Rant over, have a good Christmas everyone - if they’ll let us. Perhaps they’ll show Star Wars on t.v. again. And take care on the towpath - you never know when Darth Vader might bump into you.

Could hydrogen become the fuel of the future?

During the past 18 months we have written several articles explaining how popular electric vehicles have come to the public's attention, either through manufacturers' sales pitches or the government`s stance on climate change due to never ending environmental pressure.

One of the concepts rarely mentioned is the use of Hydrogen as a future fuel to power various machines from forklifts to cars from trains to space rockets as well as drones.

Because the UK government has now decided to ban the sales of new vehicles that use fossil fuels from 2030, a new alternative apart from electricity needs to be found.

In his speech on the planned economic recovery, the prime minister said that hydrogen technology is an area where the UK leads the world and hopes to create clean jobs for future generations.

But is the hydrogen cell revolution hype or hope?

New Glasgow hydrogen refuse truck

The majority of vehicle manufacturers in the UK have been hurriedly trying to find a solution to producing a fuel system that will not only fall in line with the government legislation but also appeal to buying customers who are looking to them to create a safer and cleaner alternative to fossil fuels.

A while back companies looked into the fuel problems and came up with the petrol / diesel / electricity hybrid which they thought would be the answer, until the latest government demand for cutting emissions came to the fore, now they have to return to the drawing board to solve the problem once again before 2030.

Unfortunately people are still sceptical when discussing a different fuel other than the fossil fuels that they have been used to. The same problems keep arising with the charging time issue at the top of the list followed by the amount of miles that a vehicle will hold per charge. Like most new ideas an infrastructure needs to be put in place, more charging points on the road and a system where access to charging at home is easier.

Until this is done the problems and reservations will stay in the public minds, if a company comes up with a car that runs for 500 miles on a single charge, is reasonably priced and can be charged simply at home, then they will be onto a winner, until then the situation wont change.

Another problem that consumers cannot understand is the amount of space that the batteries will take up, on a conventional car, most will have a single battery, on an electric car the whole base of the car is taken up with batteries, ok you have not got a bulky engine which normally is the heaviest part of the vehicle, but you still have wheels and bearings and motors etc. Bearingtech can help by supplying all these bearings and belts helping to keep your car on the road and in working order.

Due to the ever increasing demand for cleaner and efficient fuel, the government has now passed a new ruling that will allow Glasgow to get a fleet of 19 hydrogen powered refuse trucks after a £6.3 million funding was approved. The investment will also allow the building of a green refuelling station in the city which will be the first of its kind.

Described as the UK`s next step towards reaching its net-zero ambitions, this decision comes ahead of the COP26 UN climate change summit planned for Glasgow next year.

Rachel Maclean the transport minister said that the 19 trucks will form the worlds largest fleet of hydrogen refuse vehicles and showcase how the UK is at the forefront of green transport technology.

As we continue to build on our green-print for the future post Covid 19, we know how to harness the power of transport to improve our country and encourage change.

Minister Ian Stewart said ”that the UK government was doing everything possible to help our economy recover from the pandemic and protect the environment for future generations”.

Back in the 2000`s backers of hydrogen promised a hydrogen highway which never materialised, firstly because hydrogen power needs a new infrastructure, whereas battery cars could be charged off the grid.

Secondly, high-powered batteries of that time were more advanced for usage in companies etc, where hydrogen is not, hence why hydrogen lost ground in the battle to power cars.

Now that industries such as transport and heating are struggling to maintain the levels needed using conventional batteries, hydrogen has come back into the frame. A typical example of this is the company JCB who have produced a new prototype mechanical digger which would need a battery weighing five tonnes and take hours to refuel.

On the other hand, hydrogen is lighter than air and takes minutes to fill a tank. Unfortunately lorries fall into the same brackets as diggers, making the batteries as heavy as the payload.

The same problem applies to buses, the Bamford family who own JCB said that they have 80 orders for double decker buses from Wrightbus in Northern Ireland, but still have the problem of re-charging, which could be solved with the use of hydrogen and by providing hydrogen pump filing stations on motorways could solve the headaches for long distance drivers in the future.

The same network could fuel hybrid battery and hydrogen cars of the future and disperse with the need for heavier batteries and plug in vehicles.

One of the biggest fears when using hydrogen is its volatile nature, which can cause explosions in tanks which has been a concern in the past. This problem has now been addressed by the invention of lined tanks with Kevlar, which is a substance that releases small micron-isms into the tank which causes the hydrogen to be more stable if the tank is impacted taking out the shock effect and preventing any explosive reactions.

Another breakthrough in the use of hydrogen cells was the first test flight of an electric plane in the UK at Cranfield University with the outcome yet to be published.

On the other hand, Germany is racing ahead with a network of filling stations alongside a hydrogen train, making an initial investment cost of 7 billion euros in a bid to dominate the market.

As with most things, others will want to see the outcome of any present and future trials before taking the plunge themselves. The EU commission have shown a keen interest in the trials alongside the website Euroactive who supposedly floated the idea of making the Euro the currency for hydrogen trades the same way that the dollar is the recognised currency for oil.

The UK government also intends to announce a strategy before parliament closes as part of the country`s economic recovery package.

Because the UK lost out in the battery technology race with China, they do not intend to miss out on the hydrogen demonstrations after being advised by its Committee for Climate Change who suggested that trials begin over the next few months.

These trials are so important to the country`s future fuel development that trials on Britain`s first hydrogen train on regular tracks will be tested by Birmingham University over the coming weeks.

By the looks of things, hydrogen has finally made the breakthrough or so it seems, but it is not trouble free by all means, currently almost all of the hydrogen sold today in the UK is produced by splitting it from natural gas, which unfortunately is very costly and emits lots of carbon dioxide which is attributed to the heating of the planet, something that is not popular with green supporters.

The problem can be tackled by capturing the Co2 at the hydrogen production site, then burying it with carbon capture and storing it, but this will drive up the cost considerably, which defeats the object of the exercise when trying to produce cost effective fuel.

The alternative is inherently clean, but very expensive. It entails using surplus renewable electricity; a typical example is when the wind blows at night using energy that is not used to split the hydrogen from water using a fuel cell.

The process is wasteful because it involves turning electricity into gas, then back into electricity- a two step shuffle dismissed by Tesla inventor owner Elon Musk who described it as” staggeringly dumb” and has been quoted as calling them” fool cells”.

But hydrogen lovers believe the future electricity grid will produce so much cheap off peak power that we will need to find other uses for it. By doing this they hope to see the cost of fuel plummet following the example and performance of offshore wind turbines.

Recent events have favoured the advance of hydrogen after the UK issued a target of 80% carbon cuts by 2050, that left a leeway for polluting forms of fuel to take up the remaining 20% of the carbon budget.

Now its widely accepted that homes with low carbon heating systems such as heat exchangers, will need to boost them in a cold snap from another source, and that’s looking increasing like hydrogen.

Trials are already underway using blended hydrogen into natural gas at Keele University and depending on how much support they get from the government, it looks as though a technology that lost its key battle against battery cars two decades ago could still find a place in the zero carbon economy in the UK`s future fuel development programme.

Throughout the years inventions have come and gone, whether good or bad the answers always lie in the trials and results, one thing that is certain is that time will tell, we will just have to wait and see.

Having first done my tap and trace with a QR code laminated and stuck on Dawn Treader's door, I am writing this down below on a very stormy, blowy Halloween.

There is a noticeable lack of cluster flies in the cockpit - mainly because I filled the aluminium frames with expanding foam, which seems to have removed the little crevices they were trying to hibernate in. Or perhaps it's because I am having to ask a rather large resident spider if it minds if I use my own loo; ecology took over and they have been eaten. Or like a coal mine canary, died of poisonous gas!

Ok seeing as it is Halloween here is a spooky tale about a possessed Carbon Monoxide detector that seems to go off in exactly the same place on the canal - and before we start please, I am not here to sound like some BBC journalist spoon feeding you the obvious dangers or Carbon Monoxide 24 /7. We are adults.

It all started when I went above and beyond on the boat safety and rather than just having one carbon monoxide detector down below because of the gas cooker, I decided to put one in the cockpit. Dawn Treader runs a 25hp two stroke engine strapped on the back and I have sat with this at idle on the mooring and the alarm hasn’t gone off. I’ve also been miles down towards Bradford on Avon and still nothing. But the moment I approach the bridge at Martinslade heading east towards the flight – it goes off -  usually just under the bridge which makes it echo even more.

My first instinct was it came from the same Chinese factory as that dodgy smoke alarm which would go off if you lit a match within 4 nautical miles of it and which couldn’t tell the difference between steam and smoke. Research showed 4 different types: a Biometric which basically changes colour if CO is present – good but not too clever if you are asleep... and an electrical type which somehow measures an electrical resistance across probes. There are two others, but seeing as its difficult to grasp how the basic electrical trickery one works we will leave that there.

The next question is how do they measure it? Basically, anything above 70 parts per Million is harmful and interestingly it’s an accumulative affect and according to my NHS wife once CO is bonded to your haemoglobin it has a half life in the human body of about 5 hours which means half goes in one hour then half of what’s left in the next and so forth. There are charts on the internet but as a rule of thumb anything after 200 parts per million would have Chris Whitty on the telephone sharpish.

Next, obviously it is the engine producing it. But do some engines produce more than others? – after all we are all standing on or near our exhausts so why isn’t the average barge helm keeling over like cluster flies? Apparently, Diesel engines produce less CO than petrol engines. Though I think this is relative so I still wouldn’t poke your nose up the exhaust. It would seem that  carburetted petrol engines are the worst offenders, mainly because they are crude and you can’t really alter the air fuel mix,  which leads to incomplete combustion and thus CO. Interestingly, modern injection type petrol engines produce 11 percent less than carburettors. Fun though the facts are, they don’t solve the mystery of why, where or when it happens.

Ok, first I have the canopy up most of the time - I have noticed an increasing number of barges with various tents on the back making life a bit more comfortable. This warmth does mean that air is sucked in from the outside; an affect that is noticeable if you undo the engine bay hatch as cold air will always want to equal out the difference in pressure. Secondly I have never known the wind blow other than straight down the canal at this point – in fact it’s so good at doing it, you can sometimes poddle along in neutral at almost the same speed which makes meeting some one at this bridge point an interesting experience.

Remembering that the CO detector is quite a clever device and measures an accumulative amount of CO, this is what I suspect is happening.

We are all exposed to a small amount of it when we run our engines, but generally the wind etc. takes most of it away. But the CO detector has already received a certain amount. However, at this very point in the canal I slow up for the bridge, which is on an acute angle so you can't see under it. The canal is in quite a deep cutting with high hedges both sides and steep banks with the wind directly behind me, so momentarily the exhaust gas catches up with me and briefly exceeds the level.

Surely then all cruisers would suffer the same – Dt has a slight design fault with her replaced transom – it’s a big hole to fit a big out board and it just so happens that the exhaust is midway down the opening making matters worse. I am interested to hear if anyone else has had similar problems.

So, how to cure it – my thoughts are to make a Perspex hatch. Perspex is a fantastic boat material – just make sure its clamped down tight between two boards before you cut it, after that you can easily bend it using some deft passes with a heat gun. It polishes and cleans easily with Brasso ( try some on your screen) and seeing as Boris has just announced more measures I can self-isolate in my shed doing boat projects – watch this space!

Simon Woollen

Woollensimon13@gmail.com