let a thousand excuses bloom
As Regimental Sergeant Major of the Intelligence Corps (I’d wandered in by mistake), if anyone came up with an excuse, they were let off the offence; provided they had an excuse I hadn’t heard before, or hadn’t used myself. Therefore, here be the excuses I have used, or heard of, for overstaying on one spot in the canal system. You may like to add your own via the Editor alongside any complaints.
- There is a Moorhen nesting in my tyre-fender, and I cannot move until the eggs hatch.
- My Grandmother is getting married on Wednesday and it came as such a surprise. We have not been able to move for the shock; it’s a worry - her pregnancy.
- The engine is knackered, and I can’t move the boat. Small whisper - Could you just tell me where the engine fits on the boat?
- We are on our honeymoon and need peace and quiet, plus she made me take my socks off, now I can’t find them.
- If we move on - someone will only come and take our place.
- I’m navigating by the stars and it has clouded over.
- The gearbox is broken and I’ve taken it to bits, I am waiting for parts - should be on the move in a week or two.
- I have telephoned the Canal and River Trust and they said I could stay here. I think his name was, ‘Nigel,’ he wore yellow jumper and tight maroon trousers. Seemed like a nice boy to me!
- My husband has had to fly off to see his second family in Spain for the bullfighting and I can’t work the boat. He said he was a matador when I met him in the disco, but I didn’t dwell on it, once he got onto the horns.
- You have to move at least twenty miles each year, right. That’s sixteen feet a day and my boat is fifty-seven feet. Which if you work it out correctly means I can stay where I am. Didn’t get a sociology degree for nothing.
- The boat is grounded and I can’t move the thing. I’ve tried taking pills but it doesn’t seem to work.
- The toilet is full wot do I do now?
- My boatbuilder said it was alright to stay tied to the bank anywhere, he had been helpful and connected all the electrics to one fuse for ease of access. He said a static boat was cheaper to build than one that moves.
- Move!? I work in London.
- Rules is for idiots mate, anyone can make rules, doesn’t mean I have to obey them.
- I paid my licence there was some writing on the back, but I never bother with small print, you will want me to have insurance next.
- She got the house, I got the boat, it’s all her fault, move-on you say but that’s just what she said. Yer see, it’s the system’s fault, it’s the country’s fault, politician’s fault. What d'you mean, I’m not taking responsibility? No one takes personal responsibility anymore. Don’t pick on me - affect my mental health that will.
- The canals were owned by the people; they should still be owned by the people, for the people and of the people; so, I’m staying here.
- I have an Alsatian dog so let anyone try to move me on.
- This is the finest view in the country so I’m staying put. You should try it one day - when I’ve gone.
- Fascists: the lot of them trying to bully us into conforming, we live in a Fascist Society.
- Bylaws; don’t get me started on bylaws.
- The judge said I should stop breaking into houses which I have for the three months I’ve been here – a few boats yeah, but no houses.
- If I start to move, I will need a licence, then insurance, then a BS Scheme, then a CO detector, then fire extinguisher it never ends.
- Right, ok, well, I was thinking of a cruise to Barnard Castle, to test my eyesight, anyway.
- Here I stay boat to bank.
Turned my head as we sank,
If she's gone, I can't go on,
Feeling depressed, despondent.
Rubbish on the bank strewn,
Only sad love songs to croon,
I’m staying here – sobbing.
Got a spare hanky, mate?
- My batteries are flat so I have to spare the engine for charging them, can’t use engine propulsion.
- The cat had kittens and we need to be here until she is settled.
- We went up there a bit and found a line of locks, went the other way and there’s another bunch of locks. What’s all that about mate?
- There was a stoppage, it was on the internet, all movement stopped, I haven’t heard it has been opened again.
- Foot and mouth mate, just up the road.
- CRT are doing grass cutting don’t want grass cuttings up my boat.
- My wife has broken her leg/shoulder/arm/neck.
- My husband has broken his leg/shoulder/arm/neck.
- My partner has broken their leg/shoulder/arm/neck.
- My partner’s cousin has broken their leg/shoulder/arm/neck.
- My pet has broken its leg/shoulder/arm/neck/wing
- Need to be in one place for my doctor/dentist/job/college/lover/school/post.
- I was abducted by aliens and I need to stay here to have their baby. Yes, I am a bloke but its an alien baby – you idiot.
- None of your business what I do, so shove off I’m bigger and nastier than you.
- Everyone’s doing it staying in one place. I’m just like them and don’t forget to go onto ‘tickover’ past my boat.
- Move!? I work in Bath.
- I got one of them Patrol Notices once, put it in the bin – nothing happened.
- Don’t give a stuff mate, they say they will not grant me a licence next time, so I won’t bother applying for one.
- If they didn’t want people to moor here above this lock, they wouldn’t have put in bollards - stands to reason.
- I’ve to be in one place to get my hard-earned benefits. Got to live.
- The Duchess of Sussex said I could stay here for my mental health.
- Self-isolating mate. When you did that as a lad, they said you would go blind.
- God told me to stay here and multiply, I am already up to 3,592.
- My wife is expecting a baby and I’m expecting a new set of windows.
- Chill-out man; I mean the world is rush, rush, rush, stay a while, not got a spliff have you?