making life better by south shields
the fight against wastage of money inspires small bottle garden at greater neasden garden festival
Banal & Dither Trust
Making Life better by South Shields
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The fight Against Wastage of Money Inspires Small Bottle Garden at Greater Neasden Garden Festival
Award winning garden designer Brendov Scowcrovich has joined with the Banal & Dither Trust, a lazy navigation charity, to prevent the wastage of charity money on silly egocentric projects by creating a Small Bottle Garden at the Greater Neasden Garden Festival. It was initially intended that a large bottle with a garden inside would be created for a national garden festival by a world-renowned garden designer. This would highlight something to do with the waterways that did not involve boating or navigation and after many, many committee meetings the subject of ‘pollution’ was decided upon. This was based on the late lamented ‘Report a Shopping Trolley’ campaign which involved customers (sounds better than boaters - anything sounds better than ‘boaters’ - of the trust, who would report an abandoned shopping trolley and the dedicated Operations Room, complete with large maps and pointers would identify the spot and immediately despatch a team to remove the trolley and return it to the supermarket. Unfortunately, boaters let us down by not sustainably reporting discarded shopping trolleys in sufficient numbers (12), therefore the operation was disbanded, the Ops /Room left to gather dust, the maps to fade and the pointers to be stolen by Vandals. It was hoped the large bottle campaign would re-ignite interest in discarded shopping trolleys and the operation could become dynamic once again.
Then a brilliant thought occurred to our esteemed Chairman, Devid Scowcrovich that a large bottle at a national garden festival would involve lots of capital expenditure with pesky boaters putting forward FOI requests concerning the costs of such a scheme. Concern was also expressed at the 23rd Bottle Meeting (BYO), that the publicity generated by such an expensive undertaking would not be worthwhile, particularly as money and girls in bikinis are always on our chairman’s mind. It was thought if we could win a gold medal it could be melted down to cover the costs, alas it transpired one only receives a card with a gold foil medal stuck upon. Perhaps if we could get the bottle on the ‘telly’ with the garden, it might create great interest throughout the nation, unfortunately Football and Tennis took up vast amounts of TV time and our large bottle would merely be seen to the rear of one of our chairman’s old heartthrobs Rachel-de-Thame. The large bottle idea was discontinued but it can still be seen discarded beside No 7 lock on the Leeds & Liverpool Canal (sub please check there is such a canal and lock).
The Committee decided therefore in order to save money to have a small garden in a small bottle, it would have to be a clear bottle such as a white wine bottle. We sampled many, many bottles until we found the perfect bottle in Domaine de la Romanee-Conti Montrachet Grand Cru, unfortunately whilst emptying the bottle we lost the cork and therefore the garden design had to be an open bottle.
Our reasonable priced garden designer, Brendov Scowcrovich, produced a fantastic green vision for the bottle garden, based upon ferns, foliage and phlegm (from too much wine). The bottle was delivered to the Greater Neasden Garden Festival, alas the organisers never at the front of Avant Garde artistry thought it an empty bottle full of green mush and consigned it to the rubbish tip. Fortunately, and all members of the Press will applaud this: the centre piece of the festival was a Rubbish Tip, based on the Hampton Court Garden air crash centrepiece. And there can clearly be seen on all the publicity photographs and videos the Banal & Dither Trust bottle garden just beside several discarded NHS masks – success. The Banal & Dither Trust is proud to announce not only has the Trust conceived a new art form, not just obtained much needed publicity but have produced reduced costs by cancelling a big project at Hampton Court, spending mere thousands of pounds instead of the estimated hundreds of thousands. Life may be better by water, but it is infinitely better with a bottle of Domaine de la Romanee-Conti Montrachet Grand Cru. A lesson for us all, I think.
Banal & Dither Trust, Loll House, Draconian Terror, South Shields, Corner House Pub, NN33 2JA
Email. Twitter: @BanalDitherTrust
Patron: H.R.H. In Disgrace keeping low profile. Banal & Dither Trust is not a charitable company limited by guarantee, registered in England and Wales with a Company Number and no registered charity number registered office address First Floor North, Station House, South Shields NN3 2JA