Hi - how you doing?
Welcome to this autumn edition of my Canals Online magazine column.
What’s that? How do I know that it’s autumn?
Pretty simple really.
No, it’s not the golden hues of the leaves which are gently tumbling to the ground and clogging up the drains.
Neither is it the noticeable change in temperature, drawing in of the nights or indeed the interminable drizzle.I know that it’s ‘fall’ as our cousins in Trumpton call it because the T.V. schedules are about to change. I was going to say, ‘for the better’, but let’s see how it goes first, eh?
No doubt there’ll be a succession of dark Scandinavia detective dramas, the soaps will go into overdrive and, oh yes, the usual procession of celebrity challenge shows.
Yes, celebrities who are famous purely for having appeared on a previous show such as, ‘I’m A Nonentity, Get Me Out Of Here’, ‘Britain Has No Talent, so we’ve trawled the Asian sub continent to see what dross they class as entertainment’ and the evergreen ‘Strictly What Is The Purpose Of Claudia Winkleman?’

So I had an idea.
Yes, dangerous I know, but hear me out.
With the success of shows such as ‘Canal Boat Diaries’ and the gentle cruising tales of Timothy West and dear old Pru, how about a canal themed game show? A celebrity version of course, purely to boost the ratings and to leave people such as me, well over the age of twenty five, wondering just who the hell these people are.

We could call it, ‘Celebrity Canal Cruise Challenge.’

I can visualise it now.

The winner of SAS, Who Dares Wins, in an ominously black narrowboat fabricated from steel plates welded at odd angles to give it a stealth quality is parachuted into the starting marina, swims a few hundred yards, throws a grappling iron over the stern, scrambles aboard and sets off in the wrong direction as soon as the starting cannon is fired. The producers obviously forgot that he failed the map reading challenge miserably.

Who’s this complaining bitterly that they’ve broken a fingernail trying to untie the mooring rope on the gaily painted vessel with the chintz curtains? It’s a former contestant from Rue Paul’s Drag Race. Obviously their start is now delayed whilst a suitably qualified nail technician is urgently sent for.

Also a non starter at the moment is a former runner up of ‘The Big Painting Challenge’, who has decided to freshen up the castle and roses which were rather inexpertly daubed on the stern cabin doors.

The competitors from ‘Race Across The World,’ haven’t arrived yet. They’re still trying to hitch a lift from Charnock Richard services to the start line.

Love Island entered a team, but their boat, for some strange reason, is rocking like it’s sailing through a hurricane although it’s not moving anywhere.

The contestant from ‘The Fortune Hotel’ has secretly swapped luggage with most of the other contestants and consequently his counterpart from ‘Naked Attraction’ has nowhere to conceal his modesty and is hiding inside the cabin. (Well, it is a bit cold).

Mastermind’s genius may be a wiz with the proclamations of Confucius and Brian Clough, but he’s a right numpty when it comes to a chemical toilet. Don’t go too close - it’s a bit smelly.

One who is underway (in the right direction) is the third placed singer from ‘The Voice.’ Apparently most viewers thought that the result was a fix and that she should have won. Consequently she took to the bottle and various medicinal compounds, so in a show of sympathy she was offered a place on this show on a boat which is now half sunk. For some reason best known to herself she removed the weed hatch (probably not fully understanding the reason for that name) whilst making her way to the first check point at the aptly named ‘Drunken Sailor’ public house.

Slightly in front is the winner of MasterChef, now firmly wedged across the canal after mistaking a slight gap in the vegetation on the bank for a winding hole and attempting to turn about. His soggy bottom is now firmly wedged in the silt.

Way out in front though is the woman who is famous purely for bonking a Premier League footballer who is extremely famous in his own right. Subsequently she’s been invited on every celebrity challenge show since. Asked about her current success in leading the field she put it down to, ‘years of practice trying to keep ahead of the paparazzi.'

Join us next time when a former MP who spent years making a pratt of himself in Parliament joins the cast to make a right pratt of himself on your telly; a t.v. presenter who no one likes is forced to eat a fisherman’s maggots after a viewers vote, and The World’s Strongest Man tows his cruiser along the towpath because he can’t figure out how to start the engine.

I think it’ll catch on, don’t you?