The fuel gauge is in the red
and the leisure batteries are low
The elsan's brimming over
but my bladder still says go

The day light's fading quickly
I'm on a countdown clock
My solar power's dipping
and there's something round my prop

I've a dwindling kindling pile
And I'm getting low on coal
I've burnt all of the tow path talks
And used all of my toilet roll

I double dip t bags
Have pot noodles for my tea
Though my gas is on the blink
And it's ever so draughty

I'm living on the edge
At the end of my gang plank
I'm running out of water
and my cider's all been drank

You may think that it sounds rough
With no hot water on demand
And patchy phone reception
No proper WiFi nor broadband

But the benefits trump the hardships
I'm more happy and healthy
I wouldn't swop for mortar and brick
It's a boater's life for me

Excuse me please
I want to get past
You appear to be in my space
S'cuse me please
I need to get by
Your bottom is in my face

Excuse me please
I want to stand there
Your frame is in the way
S'cuse me please
Can you move over now?
I haven't got all day

Excuse me please
Your blocking the light
I can't see what I'm doing
S'cuse me please
Can you make way for me?
I can't stand all this queuing

Excuse me please
I'm feeling trapped
Can you take a step to the side?
S'cuse me please
Can you be somewhere else?
This boat's not very wide

Excuse me please
I'm struggling to breathe
You're taking all my air
S'cuse me please
You're cramping my style
Can you take yourself over there?

Excuse me please
You make my head spin
With all this 'do-Si-do'-ing
S'cuse me please
Can you please sit down
And stop your to and fro-ing

Excuse me please
I know it sounds harsh
And it's not that I've stopped caring
Perhaps Excuse yourself
And buy your own boat
I'm no good at this boat sharing

We've had a disaster on board
There's egg all over the floor
The omelette pan took a dive
When a boat went past full bore

We thought our ropes secure
And that we couldn't possibly move
But said pan was on the middle ring
And it didn't stay in the groove

We've all got that ring on our hob
That's really not fit for purpose
Like trying to balance a saucer
On the back of a moving tortoise

It's a lot like living in a jelly
Stuff slides and shifts about
If someone goes past too fast
Cupboards open and things fly out

Now many shout at the boaters
that seem like they are in a race
And those that are not on tickover
Risk getting my egg on their face

If you're a boater with the zoomies
And behind you there is a wake
Lay off the throttle at moored boats
To reduce the chance of a culinary mishap.
For heavens sake

I don’t stress how I dress
because I live on a boat

But my favoured attire is
peaked cap and waist coat

with sturdy worn boots
and a bright neckerchief

I sometimes let slip
those garments underneath

It’s a shock for gongoozlers
Who see more than they ought

A bare bottomed boater
Hanging out on their boat

I thought you were getting frisky
When you rolled on me in the night
But the mattress was on a slant
When our mooring ropes went tight

We moonwalked down the boat
Then tried our best to dress
It's hard to put a leg in a pant
Whilst you're leaning to the left

Breakfast was quite a challenge
Cooking on a tilted vessel
What with our sausages rolling
And a sliding boiling kettle

The shower drain doesn't
Nor does the kitchen sink
We've gone all Brahms and Liszt
But we haven't had a drink

Our cupboard doors are wide open
With all our wares on show
We're sitting on the canal bed
No longer in the flow

We'll have to dance for rain
For we really are quite stuck
It's most discombobulating
All this wallowing in the muck

So when you leave a lock
Shut your gates and paddles tight
And ladies won't get squashed
By their husbands in the night

Goodness me what's that smell?
Where's it coming from ?
We didn't have eggs for breakfast
But something don't half pong

Is it coming from the bin?
Or perhaps the toilet's full
Or maybe it's the sink
Is there water in the hull?

Have you looked inside the fridge?
Or checked the washing basket?
Do you think that it's electrical?
Did we have the wood stove lit?

Is it something in the canal?
Are the radiators too hot?
Did we leave the pots last night?
Have we got more fruit bowl rot?

Is there gunk in the shower trap?
Are we passing a local hatchery ?
No it's coming from the engine bay
We've cooked another battery

It's getting hot in here
Like sitting in a furnace
We're both in our under gear
Why did no one warn us?

We've gone one log too many
It's 3000 f'fing degrees
We've got everything wide open
and we can barely breathe

Our spuds are near cremated
We fear we will combust
Hotter than the earth's mantle
Or Mount Vesu-vius

We're worried about our firebricks
Concerned our glass will crack
Our temperature gauge on overdrive
Our stove fan on full whack

You'll probably find us melted
A pool where once we sat
Mines the chair with pants and bra
Not y-fronts and flat cap

I've got boater's feet
And I think I know why
Mostly kept in moist conditions
Now they need to air dry

Flip flops are quite breezy
But I don't like them in wet grass
And sliders and boats don't mix
You end up on your ass

Rubber boots are not conducive
To keeping your digits dry
And tights pulled up to kingdom come
Just cause a rising tide

That sock and croc combo
Encourages sweating beneath
With athletes' foot and fungal toes
What I need is two webbed feet

If you come to visit me
Make sure you've had a wee
And bring some semi skimmed milk
If you want a cup of tea

I usually have some sugar
And drinking vessels for one each
Though they may be tannin stained
Because I don't use any bleach

I prefer if you take your boots off
And leave your hound at the door
I don't want muddy pawprints
All over my laminate floor

You will take me as you find me
It's a little busy in here
But I'll clear a walkway through
And I'm sure we'll uncover a chair

Please don't outstay your welcome
I find conversation trying
It's hard to wax lyrical
Where my underwear is drying

There's a fly inside my boat
It's driving me to distraction
I've turned into a woman possessed
Hell bent on its extraction

I've politely asked it to go
Teased it up the window frame
But when it reaches the top
It just flies back in again

I've shown it a rolled magazine
I eshew the daily news papers
I've threatened it with Raid
But I don't really like the vapours

I've gone at it with a carving knife
Shown my best karate chops
Hovered above with the tissue box,
Slammed slippers and flip flops

I've enticed it towards a web
But the spider is asleep
I'll have to evict him as well
Not deserving of his upkeep

I'm not sure what the attraction is
Why it's decided to come indoors ?
I hear flies like carbon dioxide
And human salty pores

They are also attracted to bins
And surfaces with crumbs

And the sweet smell of ripe fruit
And rotting vegetables

I keep my boat clear of these
And have all the home remedies
With herbs hung in my openings
Spraying all bare extremities

I've tried zappers, candles and screens
And still it won't clear off
Goodness now it's got a friend
A giant hawkwinged moth!

With a spider that's gone into hiding
A buzzing drone in my ear
Now a flappy lepidoptera
Just 'Get me out of here'