If midsummer’s day is kind of important to me, on account of it being my birthday, then so is the winter solstice. I’d have been six months old when I saw my first one. I was held as a baby whilst the sun came up, and again when it went down. I remember absolutely nothing, nor will my little friend Joshie here. I was asked to take him with me for my walk along the towpath. I know I wanted to be alone, but the little lad talks to me in a way that someone that has language can’t. I look at him and his big blue eyes look back. There’s all these expressions he has that let me know that he’s aware exactly how I’m feeling. Like when his mum had the baby blues a bit on the heavy side, he somehow got that I was looking after him so that she could get herself into the right headspace. I guess he managed to get the message to his mum that I wasn’t taking him away too. Right now he seems to be just looking at me as though he wants to know something. Even if I look away, he still gets my attention. I mean who’d want to look away from such a beautiful little face anyway.

What I want to tell him is that things work out, but when I try to actually say anything he just looks right through my eyes and fires the same back at me. He’s telling me that things in my life will work out too. I mean, how can he know so much when he’s only been in the world for around half a year. He has no concept of Christmas, birthday, spring or anything much else. I think he can see what’s happening to nature though. The trees are bare of leaves, there’s been snow which, with today’s milder weather, is melting and dripping on me from the branches. He can’t write anything and, according to the health visitor, he isn’t even that aware that he’s an individual human being. Well Joshie, all of that’s a load of old cobblers isn’t it. Yes, I know I’m from the north and we don’t do rhyming slang but it’s cobblers anyway. You know far more than anybody thinks you do. I’m pretty sure the lad spots what others may well miss. Like the wild animals, he can sense that the trees aren’t dying but instead are preparing for when the victory over cold sees the days lengthen. He knows when he looks that there are buds slowly getting ready to burst into leaf. What I know for sure is that what’s going on in that little head is kind of pretty awesome. He also knows when I’m busy going too deep into thinking stuff out. This time a little arm popped out of my coat and pulled my hat down over my eyes.
“Who put da lights out!” I said, using a funny voice to amuse the godson that I’m technically too young to be godmother to.
It always makes him chuckle in his own special little way when I say daft things, which then makes me laugh and forget whatever was bothering me. I told you the lad was smart didn’t I. Anybody walking past might think I was talking a load of rubbish into mid air as Joshie is tucked up all cosy and warm in a baby sling under my coat. Also I’m mostly not actually speaking in words.

This is all going between him and me as he snuggles up to me. I love moments like this, you know, just wandering along the towpath then standing on top of the bridge looking out along the canal, and also sitting on the damp lock-side bench. I could happily sit here for hours today but I know Joshie is either going to pee himself, do a poo, or start dropping rather heavy hints that he wants a feed. He knows where to look too, and if I could I would but he understands that too. I can usually work out when it’s time to head off back to the farm though so he doesn’t ever get too restless. Right now we’re just happy here as we watch whatever comes into view. I kind of think that when that social worker thought he was my son, he knew that I was annoyed with her assumption of me being some reckless teenager. I felt his little arms pulling himself closer to me and then thought, well, what if? Where else but Bank Top could I do something like that and know I’d get support and not judgement? I’d be proud to be his mum but I’m not, that’s all. He knows that, I know that, and I also know he probably needs a feed, definitely needs a nappy change and I need a fresh sweater. Thanks Joshie. I guess this one needed a wash anyway!

So we’ll head back on the track across the meadow running diagonal to the towpath as the drizzle increases in pace making the canal shimmer in the haze as we move on up the slope. In front of us is the big old farmhouse that has been home to a lot of people since what is referred to as either a hippy commune or the freak farm began a good long time before even my mum was born. Back then the rather beautifully restored canal was no more than a ditch, the house was crumbling and we had no electricity (so I’m told). Over the decades our little community has survived though. So I guess the solstice is a good excuse to party as well as to contemplate. I think Joshie and I are quite ready for a good sing song around the bonfire now. Well we will be once we’ve cleaned up and wrung the weather out of my coat, hat and scarf. Seasons greetings folks.